Sometimes You Have to Say F*ck
I received a kind, thoughtful email a while back from a reader who asked me to remove an asterisked expletive from my blog post. The logic was fair. The curse wasn’t essential, and I could have worded my sentence differently. But something didn’t feel right inside of me.
After reading the email, I witnessed my conditioning arise. I saw how my habitual thoughts pushed me toward pleasing this reader and making an accommodation so they would feel more comfortable. I wasn’t considering my experience. I was even buying into thinking that had me feeling like I had done something wrong.
Not only was I not including myself in the equation, I was also beating myself up.
As a recovering people pleaser, I decided not to make the change and to honor the spirit from which I wrote the post. It was genuine and authentic, something I wish to be more of in public. I want to take off the mask and honor myself more in my personal and public interactions.
Fortunately for me, and maybe unfortunately for Angus, my mask of pleasing naturally comes off at home and usually with people I am close to. I am not dismissing the benefits of modulating my expression out of kindness, politeness, and social etiquette, but it becomes exhausting and stifling when it goes too far.
One of the reasons my relationship with Angus suffered in the past was because of my exhaustion from keeping my social mask on all day. The build-up of pressure would then have me discharge my emotional angst at the end of the day. It would often be directed toward him or it might just be with myself. Where I would come home and cry and be depressed. I didn’t have the words to describe my experience during the day. Then I would go home and fall apart or behave badly. This was a defining feature of our relationship when Angus and I first moved in together, and it was understandably difficult for Angus to deal with.
I don’t have these meltdowns anymore. I’m still not perfect in my behavior at home, but I am much more pleasant to be around. One could say maturity and wisdom are at play, but what is behind that?
Healing trauma is crucial. I now feel safer in myself and in the world. This means I don’t have the build-up of stress in my nervous system that used to result in meltdowns. I also have a greater emotional distress tolerance, so I don’t freak out when I feel anxious or low anymore. I understand these experiences are temporary and normal, and they don’t mean I am flawed or that something is wrong with me. They are just experiences that give me feedback to help me care for myself.
These two are essential, but what is behind the healing of trauma?
I finally realized that I wasn’t broken or damaged and knew that I was good enough. This was not an intellectual realization. It was an insight that the understanding shared by Sydney Banks helped me to see.
This insight is the gift that keeps on giving and revealing itself to me. There is the continued deepening of understanding who I am at my core. I don’t understand it intellectually, but I can feel the peace, love, and well-being that is the source of who I am and who we all are. That is where my healing came from.
The shift from melting down at home and in my relationship to living a more secure, confident, and emotionally stable life where I can enjoy my relationship and thrive in it had nothing to do with my relationship or fixing myself.
It had everything to do with me having a more profound sense of who I am.
This connection with the Self is available to us all.
You might not struggle in your relationship the way I used to, but no matter what your growing edge is your relationship with Self will impact every area of your life.
How did I get that insight?
That is a mystery, but I did have support. I worked with someone who had a deeper experiential understanding of truth than I did. They were able to point me to my true nature in a way that I was able to hear and feel it.
There is no one way to to this. There is your way. Listen to the calling of your heart and follow your inner guidance. You are designed to awaken to who and what you are. Follow the inner promptings and see what happens in your life.
Me not changing my blog post so someone else would be more comfortable was an act of self-love and self-honoring. It was a step beyond my conditioning to embracing all of me. My ego would have had me override that and jump to my habitual behavior of pleasing others, but I waited and listened deeper.
Who knew my true nature would tell me to embrace the profanity and all of me in the process?
And with this, I show up as a more loving human in my relationships and life.
This post was originally published on https://www.therewilders.org/.